Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
You Might Also Like
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
Attacked by a mop.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation that there is someone out there that cares enough about me to kill me.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
A journey of a thousand miles
begins with-running back in the house for
something you forgot.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.