My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
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We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
My favorite type of men is ramen.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family