think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
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6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who has to let out a Karate yell in order to stand up from tying their shoes.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
It was worth a shot 😂
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.