MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
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I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
I skipped leg day at the gym, but don’t worry I balanced it out by skipping arm day, chest day, ab day, and back day so I’m good to go.
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Snapes on a plane.
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Not all heroes wear capes.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
Buying a well is money well spent.