A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
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My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
Me: God grant me the serenity.
God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
all bases covered
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
I wish I had the free time of someone who leaves a positive Amazon review for a rake