Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
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I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
We’re all getting idioter.
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife