Sorry, I sometimes blackmail people when I’m nervous….
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My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
If you speak like Fat Albert throughout the entire exam, doctors will prescribe whatever you want.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Just watched a guy smell his debit card….I have some questions.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
white people in horror movies when they find an ancient book with written spells: it’s time to read this out loud. i am not capable of reading this in my head or closing the book. i must shout it from the rooftops with a megaphone
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?