Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
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someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
Sorry I’m late. My dog ate my car.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…