I can work well with others OR pass a drugs test. I can’t do both.
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This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
Missing those days when “hemorrhoids” was just a challenging word to spell.
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Breaking news:
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
The one thing I wish my parents told me after I moved out was the address to their new home
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I love it when people say “you’re going to miss these days,” like parenting toddlers isn’t an absolute hostage situation.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Double negatives are never not confusing.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.
True
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?