i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
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[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
[first day as tour guide on the moon]
Me: keep your hats on
Guy at the back: um they’re called helmets
Me: yeah you can take your hat off.
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*