I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
You Might Also Like
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
I plan to say ridiculous things to people all day, but it’s totally OK cuz I’m gonna say, “no offense” afterwards.
“All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…
All the single ladies…”– list of girls who wouldn’t talk to me in high school
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I have so many questions.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Husband: How did the toaster break?
Me: I have no idea. I only dropped it once.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
In high school I did a book report presentation on a book about Vanna White. I made a poster board with a puzzle underneath sheets of paper and had the class call out letters until they solved it. The puzzle was, “This presentation gets a A.” So, no, I wasn’t one of the cool kids
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”