I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
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Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
*breaks glass*
*pulls fire alarm*
[outside]
Great, now that you’re all here, I want to correct this impression in the office that I’m weird.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena