I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
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Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
GUY: I think I’m done eating
ME: did you need a to-go box?
DEATH ROW EXECUTIONER: again, stop asking them that
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I saw my shadow today. You won’t see that on the evening news because I’m not a stupid fuzzy animal
WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak-
ME: Secretary.
WIFE: What?
ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake.
WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam—
ME: Kenny Hissinger.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
Mad Max Arctic Road