Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
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once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”