*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
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With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
Waiting for the Charmin
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year