Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
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My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!