🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
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Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Wait, you actually took my advice?! You poor poor thing.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please