Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
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[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Oh, I just remembered. You’re boring…. and my legs work!
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Mammals for $500 Alex
“Slow moving mammals that spend most of their time sleeping & eating”
What are sloths?
“Wrong, What are coworkers”
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
“Huge”.
I want a car horn that shouts obscenities.
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…