[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
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[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Lmfao
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
My main concern about having kids with my boyfriend is he’ll see me & our two-year-old together and be like “wait they kinda act the same”
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍