Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
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they say tomatoes are good for my prostate but they’re way too squishy to get up in there
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Ain’t no way
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
This is your captain speaking. Those of you on the right side of the plane may have noticed 3 pyramids. This is 3 more than we were expecting to see in Barcelona. Anyway, does anyone have google maps?
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
me: awhinersayswhat?
daughter: what?
*my wife and I high five*
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!