What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
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When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
I’m not saying I’m going to become a heart surgeon or anything but I DID just open the beginning of a new toilet paper roll with no rips.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I’m at my most British when she says “teabag me” and I drop a sack of Earl Grey in her mouth.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.