I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
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The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”