Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
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People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
[i go to put out my electronic cigarette on a framed photo of someone i used to love but it only taps the glass] damn this piss hell future.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.