You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
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ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
Apparently your bosses don’t like it when you refer to them as “you geniuses.”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
People that lick their forefinger after EACH PAGE OF A BOOK, who hurt you?
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Goat cheese is for herders.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive