I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
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I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
At the pool, putting on sunscreen, kinda feelin myself for the first time in a long time…
11, “Make sure you get the sunscreen on all your places because you are really, really pale and there’s a lot of places.”
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard