[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
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Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
My brother was the best at hide-and-go-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller