Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
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Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Nerds were always ugly or goofy looking. Then from nowhere emerged the hot girl nerd and the limitations of Nerdom crumpled before our eyes.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
Do you smell smoke?
I always say that when I fart. It makes people take a deep breath.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.