vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
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Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games
Narcissist: I am God!
Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…