My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
You Might Also Like
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes