Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
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Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
What’s the difference between a bowl of wilted lettuce and a depressing song?
One is a bad salad and the other is a sad ballad.
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
[waiting for elevator]
Coworker: Hey, how’s it go-
Me: I’ll take the stairs.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
At least try to make it slightly believable
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA