I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
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Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
You guys are all saying that it’s a parody account that tweeted that she was offended when a guy opened a door for her but the same thing happened with me. I too held open a door for a lady she yelled at me and told me to get out of the ladies bathroom.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I’m sorry for the things I said when you opened a new gallon of milk when there was one already open
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.