Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
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The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
My birthstone is kidney
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
How about daylight saves us for once
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great