How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
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My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Lock eyes with woman across the bar. Entire life flashes before my eyes. Courtship. Wedding. Marriage. Kids. 2 boys. Promising athletes. Bigger stronger than everyone. NFL dreams. Puberty. They stop growing. 5’9. Division 3. I snap out of it and hide in the bathroom for 2 hours
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
That awkward moment you run into someone in public that you know, and there is nowhere to hide.
FRED: right
If a vampire gets AIDS from one of its victims, is it considered an STD or food poisoning?