I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
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My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck.
who named him groot and not spruce lee
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
Nativity scenes become something else entirely if you put a fork and knife in the hands of the adults.
If you didn’t want me to object to this wedding maybe you shouldn’t have had a cash bar
Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
*sends you a 13-page love letter & introduces you to my parents in order to scare your hiccups away*
*you’re cured*
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.