I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
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I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
My 4yo thinks the ice cream truck is “just a music truck.”
NO ONE TELL HER
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.