An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
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I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
Starting a new band called the Shania Twainsaw Massacre.