A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
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Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Me: *walks outside*
Mosquitoes: there he is
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*
STOP ACTING LIKE THIS GROCERY STORE GIFT CARD ISN’T ROMANTIC. WHO DOESN’T LIKE FOOD?
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.