If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
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[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
I haven’t ironed in 17 years, except for that emergency grilled cheese sandwich I made.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven