God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
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if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Amazing how each of the kids in Willy Wonka was written to represent a different deadly sin: pride, gluttony, sloth, chewing gum until you become a blueberry, greed, etc.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up