Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
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If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Not now. I’m deglazing.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
no!! no!!!!!!
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
figuring out my emotional availability:
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you