Not to brag but I can keep up with the fast part of the chicken dance…
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Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”-Eminem at a farm.
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
*orders delivery*
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
I don’t always leave the house, but when I do I shouldn’t.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I don’t care what nutritionists tell you- tortilla chips ARE a meal. It has everything your body needs:
1.) Tortilla chips
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in??
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash