[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
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Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”