How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
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Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Why is Halloween considered the scariest time of the year? Most weddings happen in June.
If You Give an Alligator a Corpse is my favorite children’s book about how one little snack leads to an exotic pet addiction and a life on the run.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
me refusing to leave twitter
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
So this is how I learned my work calendar wasn’t private.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today