kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
You Might Also Like
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
I just want someone that can draw perfect circles. No weird Os
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
–
Aether is both a noun and a verb.
–
A childless co-worker just told me that he hasn’t been sick in 5 years
Meanwhile, I’m a dad of 3 living in a bubbling cauldron of plague-infested boogers, pee, and sick-vapor.
Sooooo……I don’t want to kill the guy
But should I sneeze on him just for fun?