Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
You Might Also Like
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
In all seriousness I’ve had babies in my audience before and it is genuinely a nightmare. They don’t get any of your school material and they can’t give you a standing ovation. Pathetic.
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?