You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
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Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Wife: We’re going to Jessie’s BBQ today.
Me: She’s the one with the big—
Wife: They’re fake!
Me: So?-liveTweeting from the DogHouse
blocked.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
“TGIM!” – My liver
When I see a guy sleeping on an unfolded cardboard box, I never know if he’s homeless or just tired from breakdancing.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
“Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Not Waldo, Waldo, Not Waldo”–Where’s Waldo Audiobook
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
“I bought a new car!”
Whoa that’s a lemon, how much did you pay?
“Only $3,200”
Dude it’s literally a piece of fruit
“Damn….not again”
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.