T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
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Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop