I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
You Might Also Like
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
good morning
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
brown rice can’t be THAT much better for you, can it? I ask because I don’t like it
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.