Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
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me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: *slams fist* only a super villain would ask that!
*walls fall over revealing secret lab*
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Him: When will she be coming around the mountain?
Me: When she comes
Him: I know but when
Me: When she comes dude
Him: That’s not a time
Me: I’m going off of the information I have
Him: Do you know the horses she has?
Me: Yes six white horses
Him: See how do you know that
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa