Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
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Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour